When to stay silent, when to speak

In my last year of university I cried for the first time during an argument with my older brother, a fight about "getting married". I regretted it deeply afterwards, because I had said things that hurt him; careless words left both of us in pain. I seemed to have won, since I was the one with more words and more arguments. But I didn't feel happy at all. When I saw my brother cry I was hit by a terrible sense of guilt. That is when I learned how important it is to stay silent at the right moment, and to put myself in the other person's place so I can listen and understand more.

In 2019, after coming back from Da Lat, I made a new friend. We texted and called every day. Our friendship grew out of long talks on every subject, shared views and plans for the future, and I thought I would be happy with that friend for the rest of my life. Then one evening, while my friend was telling me about a love story that didn't seem to be going well, I offered encouragement, and also my honest view of what I thought wasn't right. It turned out we saw love and life differently. Instead of arguing, my friend went silent for a long time. I kept trying to reach out because I didn't want to lose that friendship; I blamed and tormented myself without knowing what I had done wrong. The bad feelings dragged on, unresolved, until I started to dislike and doubt myself, and then needed more time to heal. In that story, silence was truly toxic. Silence was no longer golden; it had turned to silver, tarnished and cold to each other's hearts.

Over the years, through different jobs and many different people, I have learned to stay calm and accept that everyone is different. With the people I truly count as friends, I am always ready to listen and to share my views clearly; relationships built on understanding have made my life healthier than ever. Still, I haven't escaped the dreaded "silent treatment" from a few people I consider important. The difference is that, however much it hurts, I keep a clear head, slow down for a beat and remember my own worth. At times like that I know I need to love myself more, even if I am no longer sure whether those "important" people are still important.

I still haven't found the answer to "When should I stay silent, and when should I speak?" But I will always try not to say words that hurt the people around me, especially the ones I love. I will always be ready to share what I think, gently and as clearly as I can, when something bothers me, until the two of us reach an understanding. And if someone hurts me with words, or keeps up a silent treatment, I will get through it by building a steady love for myself, and that love will keep me living happily and believing in life. I may be afraid, but I know I will get through. There are nights when sleep paralysis holds me down; there have been days in traffic accidents when I stood between life and death. All my grandparents are gone, and one fine day my parents, my siblings and my friends will leave too, and I don't know how long I will live.

But one thing is certain: I want to live. I long to live, and I choose to live a happy, full life, every second, every moment of it.

Having written this far, I hope all my friends learn to be brave enough to get past their wounds, and to love themselves more.

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From someone madly in love with life, living in Tainan
First published in Vietnamese on Phong is writing. English translation for this site.