Run after your shadow, look at the moon

I have just come back from the track, and the rush after a run makes me feel I have to write this down. Writing out happy thoughts is my way of passing that good energy on to the people who care about me. I spent a summer full of unease. A few things went off course, and I started to doubt I was good enough to get past even small troubles. I felt helpless in front of difficulties that other people would probably call simple. And you know what? I ended that summer with a new beginning, one as bright and beautiful as a full moon.

I picked up a few good habits. Not many, but they make me feel a little better every day; at the very least I feel I am living fully a life I used to think was far too complicated. Luckily, I have managed to make that complicated thing simple, and to get used to it. Do you think life is beautiful? Take your time to answer. Let me first tell you about the beautiful things I found when I started running. Of course there are many things in this life that make our hearts tremble and shine, but if you have not yet seen a flower open in your own chest, believe me, running can show you that small miracle.

A few winters ago I joined Taiwan's New Year marathon with my teachers. I thought running would give me a new experience, and when we don't yet know what we really want, experiences like that are worth a lot. I set off at dawn among thousands of other runners: cheering, drums, loud music, a festival in the street. The excitement carried me and I began to enjoy it. It was my first long-distance run, so I had no idea how to pace myself; I got tired quickly and could not go on. But I still can't believe how much the cheers of strangers helped me, people running past me, right behind me, or beside me, until I reached the finish line. After that first time I understood how humane running is. Some people run fast, some run slowly, but what matters is that they don't stop. Just keep moving forward, and you will get there.

That first race also showed me a fair world: no ranks, no status, no hurt, no criticism, only encouragement. Many people overtook me, and I overtook many people. Doesn't that sound like our lives? When we can't define "the best" or "the worst", all we need is to focus and give everything to reach the finish line of our own lives.

Loving to run pushed me to sign up for more marathons. Every race felt new and surprising. Sometimes I simply enjoyed the sky and the land around me. Once, at the Techcombank race in Saigon, I ran 21 km with no tracker, no phone and no friend beside me. A friend once told me he doesn't like running because it makes him feel lonely. But I wasn't lonely that day, because I knew I had to be my own friend. I thought about old wounds, about worries for the future, about love and friendship, about the people who love me and the ones who don't. When your mind is split in two, one half talking to yourself and the other half working to keep your legs moving, there is simply no time left to be sad about old things. My heart held only love, and tiny flowers opening very fast inside my chest.

Now let me tell you about the summer that has just passed. I won't talk about the hurt I ran into, or the old, naughty, impolite sadness. I'll only tell you about running under the moon, so you can answer my first question: "Do you think life is beautiful?" This is not a metaphor. I really did run under the moon through those thorny summer days. In the evenings, when I felt lonely in a twenty-square-metre room with four walls, when my heart was worn out by piles of work and my soul was covered in wounds that gnawed at every minute, I decided to run outside at night. I ran for a long time under the city lights and the moon.

In a marathon your mind needs determination, because you know where the finish is. This time I just kept running without knowing where I was going. Under the moon I saw my own shadow ahead of me, and when I looked up, I saw a moon in my own chest lighting the way. I am crying happy tears as I write this, because when I stopped running, the moon was still there and my shadow stopped with me. I realised that when we are at our loneliest, most hurt and most lost, that is exactly when we need to stop, and let the moon in our heart lead the way and our own shadow show us the road. To calm down and feel the most beautiful things in this life. To see that I still have family and friends ready to listen any time. To long to go home and fall into my mother's arms. To let the moon take me towards new happiness and new love, to forgive the hurt that has passed, and to understand that there is still so much beauty left to live and to see.

Tonight, when I went out to the track, I saw my shadow again, and the moon above. I am happy about everything I have been through, because I know I am getting better every day. And if one day you can run, or if you are still racing along your own road through life, run after your shadow and look towards the moon, so you can see how beautiful a life you are living.

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Tainan, 24 October 2024
First published in Vietnamese on Phong is writing. English translation for this site.